What to do if you feel uncomfortable with your lover's words and actions~

While your time with your lover is endearing, do you find the occasional discomfort that catches your heart? When you feel a subtle discrepancy between words and actions, is it just a transient problem? Or is it a sign of a deeper problem? In this article, we'll explore how we should deal with our partner's words and actions as a first step. Is it just a misunderstanding, or is it time to reevaluate the relationship? Let's think about some tips to avoid further anxiety and build healthy relationships.

Before starting the main text, I would like to first look at the root of this discomfort and what it is all about. What signs to look out for and how to face your emotions will delve into this subject that many people struggle with.

A small sign that the antennae of the heart catches

"That's kind of weird..."

When we suddenly feel uncomfortable with our lover's words and actions, our minds are sensitive to small changes, like a high-performance antenna. This is due to the function of our minds called "cognition".

Emmy

I'm a glittering girl, but I feel uncomfortable with my boyfriend ~ I'm a little anxious

What is cognition?

In psychology, cognition refers to the process by which we receive information from the outside world and understand and interpret it. Through our past experiences and learnings, we have our own "cognitive filters" through which we perceive the world.

For instance People who have been betrayed by their loved ones in the past may interpret even their partner's trivial actions negatively, saying, "Maybe I'll be betrayed again..."

In other words, when we feel "discomfort", it is not necessarily based only on objective facts, but our own "cognition" may have a great influence.

A journey to explore the true nature of discomfort from the depths of the heart

In order to unravel the true nature of the discomfort, it is necessary to analyze the situation calmly and objectively, as if you were a detective.

Notice cognitive biases

First, let's understand the "cognitive biases" that we tend to fall into.

1. Confirmation bias: The tendency to collect only information that supports one's ideas and ignore information that is not convenient. For example, if you assume that he has been cold lately, you may suspect that there is something behind even his kind words and actions.
   
2. The halo effect: The tendency of one good feature to affect all other ratings. For example, if you think that "he is always kind," even if he sometimes takes a dismissive attitude, you may interpret it in a positive way, saying, "Something must have happened."
   
3. Tendency to make judgments based on emotions, heuristics, and emotions. For example, if you have a lot of anxiety, you tend to perceive everything your lover says and does in a negative way.
   
4. By being aware of cognitive biases, you can determine whether your interpretation is based on objective facts or by emotions and assumptions.

Understanding Attachment Styles

"Attachment style" refers to the pattern of behavior in interpersonal relationships, which is formed from the parent-child relationship in childhood.

1. People who have built a stable attachment relationship with their parents tend to have a sense of trust and security in their relationships with others.
   
2. People who are anxious and have built an unstable attachment relationship with their parents tend to have a strong anxiety about being abandoned and tend to be hypersensitive to the words and actions of others.
   
3. People who are avoidant or have not been able to build an attachment relationship with their parents tend to avoid intimate relationships with others and are not good at expressing their emotions.
   
4. By understanding your attachment style, you can find out why you are more likely to feel uncomfortable with your lover's behavior. For example, people with an anxious attachment style tend to be sensitive to even the slightest changes in their partner and are more likely to feel anxious, thinking, "Maybe they don't like me..."

Deepen mutual understanding through self-disclosure

In psychology, "self-disclosure" is considered important in building good relationships. Self-disclosure is when you are honest about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences with others.

For instance By being honest about your feelings, saying, "I've been feeling a little dismissive and lonely lately," it will be easier for the other person to open up. However, when disclosing yourself, it is important to try to convey your feelings rather than blaming the other person.

Therapy in the name of dialogue ~ with psychological safety Once you understand the true nature of the discomfort, the next step is to move your relationship in a better direction through dialogue with him.

Jesse

I also try to be honest about my feelings.

Have an attitude of empathetic understanding

First, try to understand the background of why he behaved the way he did. "Empathic understanding" is the attitude of trying to put yourself in the other person's shoes, imagine their feelings, and understand them.

For example, imagining the other person's situation and feelings, such as "Maybe he's tired from work" or "Maybe it's his way of expressing affection," it will be easier to control your emotions.

Communicate assertively.

When expressing your feelings, try to use "assertive communication" to express your opinions openly while respecting the other person.

1. Aggressive communication: A way of blaming or attacking the other person. "You're always like this!" and so on.
   
2. Passive communication, a way of saying that you put up with your feelings and adjust to the other person. "I don't care," etc.
   
3. Assertive communication, a way of expressing your feelings openly while respecting the other person. "I feel a little lonely in this part of you," etc.
   
4. By practicing assertive communication, you can respect each other's feelings and have more constructive discussions.

Valuing "Listening" and "Approval"

When he is speaking, listen carefully to the end. "Listening" is concentrating on what the other person is saying and listening with empathy.

And Take his word for it and give him a word of approval, saying, "yes, that's how I felt." "Approval" means accepting and acknowledging the feelings and thoughts of the other person.

Listening and approval build trust with the other person and allow for deeper communication.

"Love" is a source of psychological growth

"Love" is an important source of food that promotes mutual psychological growth.

"Love" is the power to recognize each other and increase each other's self-esteem. In psychology, self-esteem is considered very important for maintaining mental health. People with high self-esteem are more stress-resilient and can tackle difficult situations in a positive way.

By acknowledging each other's good points and complimenting each other, we can increase each other's self-esteem.

Draw psychological boundaries

"Love" is a force that respects each other's psychological boundaries and promotes independence.

Psychological boundaries are boundaries that allow us to distinguish between our own feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. When psychological boundaries are blurred, you may be swayed by the other person's emotions or sacrifice yourself in an attempt to meet the other person's expectations.

Through love, it is important to respect each other's boundaries and grow as independent individuals.

Increasing resilience

"Love" is the power to overcome difficult situations, that is, the power to increase "resilience".

1. Resilience is the ability to bounce back from difficulties and adversity. The stronger the bond between the two of you, the more difficult situations you will be able to overcome together.
   
2. The courage to stop is also part of resilience, and if there is a problem that cannot be solved despite the efforts of both of you, not trying to force yourself to continue the relationship.
   
3. In psychology, the behavior of taking care of oneself is considered very important for maintaining mental health. Sometimes it's good to stop and look at yourself and what really matters.

Jun

I learn self-love because I have low self-esteem.

A heartfelt shout out to you

You are a very sensitive, kind-hearted person. Sometimes, it can be exhausting. But you're never alone. You have the right to love and cherish yourself.

And I sincerely hope that your heart will always be filled with warm light. I hope this article will be a small spark that will light up the labyrinth of your mind.

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Shokey Hayashi

Exorcist/Radionics Technique Researcher

Contact

Born in Aomori Prefecture in 1965 Since childhood, he has been plagued by troubles, illnesses, and injuries caused by spiritual phenomena. However, one day at the age of 20, he participated in an event, had a strange experience at the venue, and received a lightning energy from heaven that seemed to pierce his brain and his spinal cord, and his psychic abilities blossomed. After that, he started researching psychology and psychic powers, and now he has combined psychic abilities and consciousness engineering. Established "Radionics Exorcism" with his own radionics technique. Beyond exorcism, memorial services, and healing, "it is possible to cure luck"