2025.04.07

From self-sacrifice of compassion to coexistence ・ The possibility of "good compassion" that Japan overlooks

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I will never forget the palm that was quickly offered to me at the moment when I thought, "Oh, it's dangerous!", and the back of my hand that left without asking for anything in return, even after many years. When we are in trouble, when we receive the casual kindness of others, we become keenly aware that we are not only being kept alive by ourselves, but also by others. Casual kindness that does not ask for anything in return has the power to make people alive.

Article Contents

Living in the Right Center ~ The Contradiction of Compassion

Living in the Right Center ~ The Contradiction of Compassion

Compassion, which can be seen as a virtue, can sometimes take on a distorted form and become a chain of torment for ourselves. Does the "compassion" that we have been taught so far really make people happy? Starting from this question, I would like to reconsider the conventional concept of "compassion" and delve deeper into the necessity of "good compassion" to build healthier relationships.

1. The Limits of Conventional "Compassion" and the Trap of Self-Sacrifice

According to the dictionary, compassion is defined as "being attentive to the body and feelings of others." Guess the other person's feelings, use your imagination, and feel sympathy. We have been taught the importance of treating others with this kind of compassion. Sometimes he prioritizes others even at the expense of himself, chooses his words so as not to hurt others, and responds politely to people he doesn't like. If there is a poor person, he thinks about it as if it were his own and tries to help. Even smiling, no matter how hard it is, has been considered a virtue.

However, the more considerate a "good person" actually is, the more difficult the situation is often placed. Relationships don't work out the way you think they would, and events that you feel unreasonable often happen around you. "Good people" have a hard time complaining, and they are easily forced into difficult situations. "Good people" are often relied on by others, and they do not make a bad face about it, but act for the other person with compassion and try to solve the problem. However, even if the problem is solved, the other party will not be so grateful, and the troubled person will be relied on again. Even though I have helped people many times, it seems that the only people who have good feelings as a result are these people who rely on me. It starts to feel like I'm doing a bad job.

"When I took care of the children of my mom friends, who I always get along with, and fed them dinner, it became the norm and I was asked to do it several times a week. I feel like I'm being licked more and more." This situation is by no means someone else's problem. Self-sacrificing "compassion" sometimes puts us on the receiving end of exploitation and distorts our relationships.

Not only do not good things happen, but the evaluation of "good people" by those around them is not so high. And problems arise one after another around you, and you are scratching your head. Why is it that we act with compassion to the point of sacrificing ourselves, but we are not appreciated and the problem does not go away?

２．「 3 perspectives that "good people" overlook

In order to break through the situation that "good people" tend to fall into, it is necessary to question the conventional concept of "compassion" and look at perspectives that are overlooked.

(1) Losing sight of oneself

If you only think about other people's feelings and think from their point of view, you will eventually stop feeling your true feelings. And before you know it, you lose yourself. As a result, even if you are not good at the other person in your heart, you may even be in the position of a servant of the other person by killing yourself and adjusting to the other person.

People who have lost sight of themselves are easy to take advantage of by those who are not willing to be compassionate. A person who adapts to you and does what you ask him to do is a convenient person. The other person thinks that the "good person" is a person who listens to them and is convenient, and as a result, they perceive him as a person who is inferior to them. As a result, the evaluation will continue to decline. No one tells us that the consequences of valuing compassion can lead to low evaluations. But this is the reality that happens so often.

(2) You think you understand the other person's feelings.

It is said that compassion is about guessing and thinking about the feelings of others, but do people really understand the feelings of others? One can only see things through one's own experience. When they see someone in need, a good person goes along with them. We unconsciously look for commonalities between ourselves and the other person and replace ourselves with the other person. In other words, you are looking at the other person as you were in the past.

Remembering the painful self at that time, the troubled self, the self that wanted to be helped but was not helped, and the instinctive act to help such a past self. The other party must be the same. I have to help them. However, this is an act of projecting oneself onto the other person, and it cannot be said that you understand the other person's feelings. They are only making assumptions about the other person's feelings by guessing.

The act of deciding on the other person's feelings that they must be thinking this way is actually the same as not respecting the other person, and it is the same as not treating the other person as an equal to yourself. Then, the other person feels uncomfortable with the act of compassion. "Leave me alone, I'm too nosy." And. They subtly sense that they are not respected. And they deepen their feelings of loneliness and close their hearts to good people. Or they try to take advantage of good people for their convenience. Even if you think you know how people feel, no one knows how they really feel.

(3) Not living with your true intentions

This overlaps with (1) in some ways, but when you sense people's feelings and think about things from their point of view, you forget to live with your true intentions. I can't take the attitude that I don't like people I don't like, I can't complain and disobey my boss's unreasonable orders, and I can't refuse the requests of people in need. It's like dead leaves drifting in the waves. If you try to respond only to the needs of other people, you will be swayed by the selfishness of others. As you continue, you won't even know which one is your true feelings.

People who deviate from the center of their own self and cannot tell others what they think is right have weak communication skills, which causes them to be seen as "obedient people," "people who can't be entrusted with work," and "people who are unreliable." For some reason, selfish people are more highly evaluated and cheered by the people around them because selfish people speak closer to their center and have a stronger ability to communicate.

３．「 "Bad Compassion" and "Good Compassion": Two Directions

From the above discussions, it can be seen that there are two types of compassion. The first is the "evil compassion" that we have been taught to do. The compassion that has been taught in education so far is this evil compassion. It is a compassion that Japan people consider to be a virtue, such as having to think morally, helping those in need, always being kind to everyone, and respecting others more than yourself. When we engage in this kind of compassionate behavior, we are more likely to fall into the negative dilemma of making both ourselves and the other person unhappy.

On the other hand, "good compassion" has the power to make life and support others. It is not based on self-sacrifice, but on mutual respect, based on self-affirmation.

４．「 Specific Practices of "Good Compassion", Self-Affirmation and Boundaries

So, how exactly can we practice "good compassion"? It is important to be aware of the following two factors.

(1) Boost self-esteem

Start by taking care of your emotions and desires. Consciously grasp what you want to do and what you feel, and respect it. It's also important to be honest about what you don't like and express your opinions. To increase your self-esteem, it is also effective to develop the habit of praising yourself and spending time on what you like and are good at.

(2) Clarify boundaries

It is also important not to intervene excessively in other people's affairs and to protect your time and energy. It's important to help those in need, but if you push yourself beyond your capacity, you'll eventually exhaust yourself. While understanding the other person's situation, try to recognize your own limitations and support them as much as you can. It is also important to have the courage to say no and not be swayed by the demands of others.

"Good compassion" does not mean taking a cold attitude. While being sympathetic to the other person's feelings, it is also important to have an objective perspective and not be swept away by emotions. Give advice and support to help the other person become independent, but do not solve the problem on their behalf. Trying to engage in a way that encourages the growth of the other person and gives them confidence is the essence of "good compassion."

５．「 The future and symbiotic human relationships brought about by "good compassion"

By breaking away from "bad compassion" and practicing "good compassion," we can build healthier and richer relationships. It is possible to build symbiotic relationships based on mutual respect, rather than relationships built on self-sacrifice.

"Good compassion" is not just kindness, but an action that requires intelligence and courage. In order to build a good relationship with the other person and take care of yourself, it is important to be aware of these factors and try to act in a balanced manner. By cultivating "good compassion," we will be able to make ourselves happy and bring happiness to those around us.

Summary

The "compassion" that Japan people have always regarded as a virtue sometimes transforms into a "bad compassion" that forces us to sacrifice ourselves, and it becomes a chain that torments us.

However, "compassion" inherently has the power to keep people alive and supportive. "Good compassion" is the key to building symbiotic relationships based on self-esteem and mutual respect.

By cultivating "good compassion," we will be able to make ourselves happy and bring happiness to those around us. From self-sacrifice to symbiosis. Redefining "compassion" should be a guidepost that leads not only to our own happiness, but also to the happiness of society as a whole.

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